So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
