You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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