If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
