I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
