dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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