if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
