Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My vagina is very pro this idea
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
