Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
