so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
