this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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