I love black thongs
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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