It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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