he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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