you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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