he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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