it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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