I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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