I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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