Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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