Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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