I'm so fucking centered right now
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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