last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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