At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
