If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
