I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
