Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
