What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
