Your tits are I can't wait for
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
