Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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