he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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