I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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