I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
