she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
