lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
