I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
