Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
