I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
