so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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