Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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