Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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