Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dear god my vagina.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
