hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
