ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize