I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize