i already hear my dad disowning me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
