Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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