Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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