His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize