it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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