I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
