im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
