I CAN MOONWALK!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So many bounce houses so little time
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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