How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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