Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
